War plans found on sale on Ebay

KUALA LUMPUR , Dec 24 (TPT) – Drastic action will be taken against anyone convicted of committing treasonous acts against the state, Defence Minister Datuk Seri Ahmad Zahid Hamidi said during an emergency meeting with the Armed Forces Chiefs this morning. This may or may not include the summary trial and execution of traitors found guilty of mishandling or selling state property to commercial or sovereign interests.


“We must purge those found guilty of treason or negligence from our armed forces. Ministry of Defence employees and servicemen will be processed by a military tribunal and those convicted of crimes with malicious or monetary intent will be executed by firing squad, while the negligent will be detained for up to 80 years in the Gulag – err I mean Kamunting.”

Datuk Seri Zahid called for the emergency session at Wisma Pertahanan after it emerged that a copy of the Ministry of Defence’s war plans had been found on sale on Ebay. The Petai understands that a listing on Ebay.com.my had been started by the seller “rosmahismyqueen” which portends to sell photocopies of the sensitive papers, and that these have been bought anonymously for a very reasonable price of RM 9.99, while their contents have subsequently been made available on the public domain through Wikipedia.

“This is a grave breach of security and a major embarrassment to Malaysia. We have become a laughing stock in ASEAN as a result of this act of treason. Now everyone knows about our contingency plans and a lot of man-hours will be wasted on re-drafting the plans again,” lamented an exasperated Datuk Seri Zahid.

According to the Petai’s foreign correspondence teams from across ASEAN, a collective howl of laughter could be heard from regional defence ministries after it was learnt that the Malaysian Armed Forces’ war plans called for a simultaneous pre-emptive invasion of neighboring threats.

“Oh you Malaysians are priceless! Taking the whole of Kalimantan? Who would’ve thought it possible!” stuttered a source between sobs of laughter who wanted to be known only as “PY”.

“Yeah right, as if driving up to Bangkok from Kedah is a cakewalk!” exclaimed a “PW”.

According to Datuk Seri Zahid, cost saving measures will be put in place during the witch hunt for traitors. These include having mass trials before kangaroo courts to save on legal costs, having condemned prisoners dig their own graves prior to their execution to save on undertakers’ fees, and placing Kamunting detainees on forced labor details to earn their keep. Executioners will also be subject to KPI requirements to ensure their efficiency as they carry out their grim duties.

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RMAF Jet Engine missing – RMN say they are ready for such nonsense

Kuala Lumpur, 23 December 2009

The Royal Malaysian Navy (RMN) today announced that they have in place several measures to counter incidents like those happened in the Royal Malaysian Air Force (RMAF). Submarine Squadron Commander, Kapt. Selam bin Timbul said that the navy drew up such measures even before they took delivery of the submarine. He said that the navy was aware of such trickery and deceit going on, not only in the armed forces, but down the ministries as well as the divisions.



The RMN learnt this tough lesson back in the 1960s when navy ships docked at harbor had their propellers stolen. The navy then came up with the brilliant idea of dismantling the propellers and locking it in the store room when their ships were in port. Since then, there have been no thefts of any propellers.

Once again the Malaysian Navy has come up with a brilliant idea of countering incidents like the missing jet engine in the RMAF. Kapt. Selam said that this is an original Malaysian idea and hopes that other countries would not steal their idea. The navy has decided to go back to basics and use sail and the wind to propel their submarine incase their engine is stolen also. Kapt Selam added proudly, “Let’s see if the thieves can steal the wind from us”.

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Rosmah Mansor to host Malaysian Biggest Loser

KUALA LUMPUR , Dec 18 (TPT) - Malaysian Prime Minister’s wife Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor will be hosting “The Biggest Malaysian Loser” next year. This show will be quite different from what we have witnessed on our television. Rosmah will be gathering a number of cabinet ministers and will have a series of events like a general quiz, on the spot question, do you know your Malaysia questions etc for them. There will be a round robin initially, after which they would be paired up where the elimination round would start.



The rules are quite simple (so that our ministers can follow and understand), one point would be awarded for one correct answer and no points for wrong answer. They cannot look to the Prime Minister for help or divert attention by blaming the opposition for some non-consequential event.

After a 10-week grueling test, there would be only one winner – the prize is that he can keep his job. The rest would be sent back home, or back to their previous job before they became ministers.

Stay tuned to Petai for more information on this show.

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Hell for bad news reporters and death for Najib

Kota Baru, 1 December 2009 – Kelantan Menteri Besar Nik Aziz Nik Mat is fed-up with all the bad press about his sponsored Haj pilgrimage trip, resignation of Datuk Husam Musa and the resignation of his son-in-law, Abdul Ariffahmi Abdul Rahman the CEO of Kelantan Menteri Besar Incorporated (PMBK). He said that all these reporters will not be forgiven by him and upon their death, will go to hell. Nik Aziz had also mentioned that if PM Najib Razak does not give Kelantan the oil royalty that is due to them, he will pray for his demise.

The Petai is not a religious organization, body or organ, but aren’t religious people suppose to be kind, compassionate, loving, calm, patient rather than be banishers of reporters to hell and deliverers of death to the Prime Minister?

The Petai spoke to a few Malaysians to get their views on the matter, following is what we got:

Hang Besar bin Hang Jebat (the fat one in the picture) – Nik Aziz always saying all these things, he ingat apa, god got no other job ah, always attend to his requests only.

Gua Peng San – I think if Nik can pray for this hor, he better pray for economy to get better, Malaysian to live more harmoniously lah…why pray for death, choi!

Pasir Raju – Aiyoh yoh, Nik Aziz think if PM Najib die he will get the royalty ah, he can kill as many PMs as he wants, I don’t think UMNO is ever going to give the royalty to PAS. Tunggu sampai tua.

Mat Terjun – Haiyah, let me explain about life to Nik Aziz, we are born naked, hungry and wet, and get slapped on our butt…then things gets worse. So Nik Aziz, deal with it, don’t go around killing people or sending them to hell.

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Minister: English Language is Weird and Strange and causes Delusion.

“Minister: English Language is Weird, Strange and causes Delusion”
(TPT): Kuala Lumpur – Deputy Education Minister Dr Mohd Puad Zarkashi has come out to warn Malaysians that English is weird, strange and could be a major contributor to delusion amongst Malaysians.


His remarks come amid nation-wide surveys that Malaysians have been suffering from delusional notions of grandeur and prestige. Dr Mohd said the study had finally proven that English could be the cause of these diseases.

“English is weird. It is strange. I don’t understand why people continue to use it. I have stopped using it myself, preferring to speak in Malay to everybody”, Dr Puad said in his English speech to people gathered at the Bahasa Melayu seminar. “Why do people use English?” he points to the audience.

Refuting claims that English is the lingua franca of the world spoken by a majority of the global population, Dr Puad had admonished this reporter repeatedly for her skewed and fake Western-aligned assumptions. Dr Puad then held up studies showing that the decline of the private sector which communicates in English 99 percent of the time was obvious proof of the disease. Bahasa Melayu was deemed the only antidote in the current economic malaise, he countered.

“Stop polluting our culture and our identity, things are not going to get better if we continue like this,” adding that legal action is being mulled by his ministry. Special committees are also being considered to impose fines if need be.

“Stop being weird and strange and delusional, my dear Malaysians”, Dr Puad finishes before turning to his English tea.

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Malaysia bans popular internet joke website

Rais: the Bawang is anti-Malaysian

KUALA LUMPUR, Nov 25 (Petai Times)- Malaysia banned all “Your Mama So Fat” websites after it was discovered that they poked fun at Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor, the rotund wife of the Prime Minister.

One of the popular jokes was about how a car ran out of gas when it swerved to avoid Rosmah.

“We had swerved to avoid Rosmah before, but we did not run out of gas. This makes the joke moot,” said Minister of Information, Communications, Arts and Culture, Datuk Seri Utama Dr Rais Yatim.

“The Ministry will only allow Anwar jokes for now,” informed Dr Yatim.

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Rosmah takes pole position

The first lady showing off her moves at Club Max

KUALA LUMPUR , Nov 23 (TPT)- Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor, wife of the Prime Minister, said today she planned to organise a Pole Dancing Marathon Charity show next October, after a fashion charity show in Monte Carlo in August 2010.

“Through pole dancing, we want those who have yet to fully understand that Malaysia is moderate and progressive. We will introduce this concept to the world and show that life under 1Malaysia is neither conservative, aggressive nor vicious. It actually sizzles with love.

By looking at fashion and pole dancing, the world will know that Malaysians have a very open mind as long as it does not contravene our culture,” she cooed to a crowd of generally aghast reporters.

Rosmah said she had received numerous requests to be featured prominently in both shows. Her spokesperson told the Petai that the next step was to procure a pole that was “suitable for the First Lady’s stature”.

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